Find a Way

Ummm.. Ohio

Well... I don't even know what to type!

It's sort of crazy...

I was expecting to forget things (such as where places were and who liked what); that sort of stuff.

I really didn't expect life to pick up almost as if it were right where it left off.

Coming home, living at home, doing things with friends felt natural.

It's kind of weird how easy it was to forget that I had just spent a year of my life living in Texas.

I thought my house would smell different (I have this strange ability to be able to notice the specific and unique smell of different individuals' homes...yeah...I'm weird like that), but my house didn't smell like anything (which is good because that's how home's always smelt).

Roads were the same, I knew how to navigate through crazy Ohioan traffic (which is a feat).

... It's really on the verge of scary as to how easily it would be for me to just come back.

To never go to Texas again.

That sort of freaks me out.

It kind of crossed my mind like, "oh yeah... I live in Texas now..."

...

Though I admittedly will be glad to back to my pretty much uneventful life in Texas (I forgot how much I dislike social interaction... [not really anti-social behavior save for more of the unwanted anxieties that come with being socially involved]]...)

... I will say this. The thing I miss most about Ohio life is the connections I have with the people here.

It's much easier for me to pick up a conversation with someone who even though I may not have spoken to in the year I've been gone not even once, but have known for 10 years than it is for me to start a conversation with someone who I've only just met.

One of my best, best, best friends I've known for going on 14 years. I'm only 19.

That is a considerable amount of time spent knowing a person.

I know that I'll eventually build the same type of relationships with others, but I'm most scared, and most vulnerable at the thought of losing the friendship and closeness to the person I've known longer.

I don't ever want to feel as though I've replaced her; forgotten her.

It's a fear.

One that greatly contributes to my anxiety disorder.

An unrealistic fear of course, as we plan to live in the same room of an old folks' home (and throw mushed peas at each other's faces because of a stupid argument due to the fact we didn't hear the other person correctly because we're both going deaf).

But... yeah. This has turned into a strange sort of tangent, so I'm going to stop writing now.

But... yeah. Ohio has been an eye opener to how easy it would be for me to drop everything Texas and move back to my old life.

But that would be quitting; Giving up.

I am not a quitter.

I will not admit defeat.