None

Well well, surprise surprise.

Not sure how I feel right now.

-end-

Na-na-nada podra cambiar; tu fuiste y no volveras

Day 5

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Day 5: A song to match your mood

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A song to match my mood?

There's a lot of songs I like.

But one to match my current mood?

Hmm.

Let me search through my itunes...

-tick-tick-tick-

Well there's songs that I click with right now such as Jar of Hearts [Christina Perry], Perfect [Pink], Raise Your Glass [Pink], and there's this new rap song out but I don't prefer the rap part really... just the chorus (which is sung) and it goes

Written in the stars

A million miles away

A message to the main

Seasons come and go

But I will never change

I am on my way

And I like it.

I connect weirdly to songs.

Whatever is going on in my life is usually what I connect to in song.

So... I guess a song of confusion (because I'm very unsure of how to go about summer school and what I'm doing next year).

What about a song about anxiety and Buspar and psychiatrists? Just kidding. ;)

Perhaps Vienna by the Fray?

That one comes to mind.

Lyrics that pop into my head:

Only so many words that we can say
Spoken upon long-distance melody
This is my hello
This is my goodness

-----

There's really no way to reach me

Because I'm already gone

----

Maybe then honesty need not be feared as a friend or an enemy
This is the distance
And this is my game face

-----

Dunno.

This is just the song that comes to mind at this moment at 12:40 SCT March 26, 2011.

Nothing to do with the challenge

Just some frustrational venting in written form.

I hate feeling stuck.

Not knowing where I'm going.

I like things to be definite and planned out.

Probably has to do with my anxiety, but I'm not sure.

It does make me anxious and gets me into a depression when I feel lost.

I feel lost.

I was so intent on going to Disney this fall.

That's what I felt I was called to do.

Disney was a big factor in deciding to attend UMHB.

So why am I here?

Not just at UMHB, but in Texas in general?

I don't feel like I belong in Ohio anymore, but I don't feel that I belong here either. :/

I'm just lost.

I really want to take summer classes and live on campus this summer, but I'm not sure if that will happen.

I feel like at least taking one class during the may minimester, but I probably will not live on campus.

I really want a job but I have a sinking feeling in my gut that I will end up working at someplace that I don't want to.

I hate the unsocial person that I am today.

I wish I had the guts to ask someone to do things with me, but I'm so afraid of rejection these days that I rarely ask anyone to do anything.

I always have an excuse ready and at hand to not hang out.

Obviously that's had it's effect on people because I don't get asked to do things with them, which ultimately is my fault.

And even though I know it's far from true, I feel like I'm the only person in the world who has gone through a very confusing break up.

I feel like the way things have been and are now were better suited for middle school days.

Not college days.

I wish that we both would grow up and properly sort things out like two adults and stop putting it off and ignoring one another.

Whether or not that leads us to being friends or saying our final goodbyes, I would just like a definite answer.

I hate feeling like I'm hanging in limbo; waiting as patiently as possible.

Not knowing is worse than knowing even the worst answer/outcome.

Because I really can't allow myself to think about things either way.

I can't rely on the possibility of him being my friend, but can't rely on the possibility that he totally hates my guts and thinks I'm a god-awful b*tch either.

Because the arguments for both scenarios equal each other out.

I know a friend that took her 3 years to fully recover from her break up (somewhat similar circumstances to my breakup).

I don't want that.

I saw what it did to her.

That can't be me, but I feel like I'm becoming that.

And I'm nearing the 3 month marker.

I enjoy being single and it's really not that I want him back because I've finally come to the conclusion that we were a good fling; yes.

But we each over stayed our welcome when I think we both knew in the back of our minds that it just wouldn't work out. And we falsely lead ourselves on to believe that we would work.

I don't miss the relationship aspect with him because I know I will feel that with someone else.

I do however miss our friendship.

It's extremely hard for me to connect with people right away because I'm usually a slow-to-warm-up type.

And it's hard for me to deal with the fact that 1) he's running by ignoring everything, and 2) he doesn't miss the friendship because I was the big-boobed chick that went out with him and he got what he wanted with me and moved on, 100% ready to chase another.

What makes me so sure I know this?

Because of what he told me about his previous relationships.

We humans are silly with our desire to love and be loved.

I think that's why God created both genders because He knew we were stupid enough to think that His love wasn't enough and that we needed something physical because in our human nature we can't solely rely on the spiritual.

And I really wish I could make up my mind about what to do this summer.

Take 2 classes and live in Belton while working, or take the 1 I know I can pay for from pocket and just live at home and work.

Day 4

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Day 4: Your parents

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Oh goodness. haha These challenges are indeed challenging.

Though I prefer this over Day 3. HAHAHA

My parents are awesome.

Even though we haven't always gotten along.

Pretty much everyone that knows me knows that I was adopted by my grandparents.

I guess I will share a story for this particular blog since I really don't have any idea where to go with it.

There was one time when I was three years old, that I did not want to have my cousins over.

Now, I was an extremely strong willed, stubborn child.

Though I come across as shy/sweet, I have a feisty side. ; )

Anyways, I was angry that my cousins were over because I wanted to play by myself.

So I had a screaming fit.

Not a normal temper-tantrum, but a fullout screaming FIT.

My mom put me in the basement (though honestly it's not as bad as it sounds because my basement was our playroom).

She put me in the basement, where I proceeded to scream for two hours.

Yes. TWO HOURS.

What stopped me?

I got sleepy, and screamed myself to sleep.

Yes. I was that kind of child.

haha!

I love that story.

I'm not sure why, I just think it's funny to look back on.

Well, that's all for today!

Day 3

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Day 3: Your first love

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Wow really? What was I thinking when I chose to do this challenge. haha

Well I suppose I don't have to write about it, but I will.

It S-U-C-K-E-D. Looking back (because hindsight my friends, truly is 20/20), it really wasn't a good relationship, nor was it healthy.

I had a gut instinct 2 weeks after calling it official that we wouldn't work. And I told him this. I was ready to call it quitsies and move on before either of us could be hurt.

But [we'll call him Fred] Fred said he thought we should see how it went, and take things as they come.

Mistake number one.

I thought that maybe this guy wouldn't be so bad. Afterall, I'd never even had a boyfriend before, so who was I to know how relationships worked.

Well it ended up being a long distance relationship due to school.

He was always the one to come back, meaning I only saw him roughly twice a month.

I don't know why, but he never seemed keen on the idea of me driving out to visit him.

Perhaps he was cheating?

I still don't know the answer to that one.

Or maybe he was embarrassed to call me his "girlfriend" since I am a little dorky, and I know that by no means am I the prettiest girl in town.

He never seemed to actually want to take me out either.

We always ended up watching movies at my place after midnight.

Like we were secret lovers or something.

Slowly he began to want less and less to do with me. Though love blinds, so I made excuses for it.

He stopped talking to me on the phone (his excuse? Because he hated talking to me because he missed me so much. Please. Excuse me while I BARF).

He started to make excuses to not hang out with me when he was home on weekends. He was "tired" or he needed to "study". WTF. Why even come home? Stay at school to study.

When I would invite him to do things with me he'd make up excuses.

And I fed into all of it.

I hate myself for that.

And I think that right now, that's what hurts the most.

That I was SO. STUPID. to fall for that crap.

Then, one weekend before Thanksgiving, (I believe he only came back that week because I was the one that spent the money on preordered Harry Potter tickets) he asked me what I was doing that wednesday before break.

I told him that unfortunately I was on cleaning committee all day.

He told me to go out of my way for him and clean most of tuesday night so he could spend wednesday with me.

I said, "okay. Can't wait!"

Well wednesday rolls around, and I get all the excuses in the text book.

This PISSED. ME. OFF.

I went out of my way for Fred like he asked me too and he was gonna be an a$$ and blow me off!?

No. Not acceptable.

So I got pissy and short with him.

Understandable right?

Not to him.

He turned it around and made ME the bad guy.

Really?

And I fell into the lie.

Excuse me as I slap myself.

HELLO! Get out of that relationship!

And he began to do that more and more often.

Then when he came home for christmas break, that's when it truly got bad.

He made every damn possible excuse to not see me.

We saw each other a total of 6 times over a 30 day break.

Twice which he broke up with me.

I can't believe that the first time, I tried to win him back.

I am. STUPID.

I still pull excuses for him.

He's only 18.

He's immature.

He's had a rough life being a military child.

He's had terrible awful girlfriends in the past.

blah blah blah.

Enough is enough.

I'm done making excuses for an indecisive, immature, stupid little boy.

Someday I'd like to have an actual man in my life.

But now I still need time to heal from the lies that I had been fed for five months.

I've tried to be friends with Fred. But I'm coming to the end of my rope for waiting for someone that I KNOW will not come.

I try to find reasons why God put him into my life.

1) To teach me that maybe a relationship isn't what I want right now

2) To at least show me that I can attract guys

3) To show me how love is blind (because I always thought girls were stupid for staying in bad relationships)

I went through all of high school without ever having a relationship, so it scares me for how long God wants me to wait before falling for someone again.

But I think now that I know what a bad relationship is, maybe this will give me wisdom to find a good one.

Day 2

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Day 2: Meaning behind your blog name

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Well my blog name is "The Un-Texan, Texan".

For the most part, I was having trouble thinking about what to title my blog. Everyone in the office had one, and I was told that I needed to blog too!

Everyone knows now, but I am from Ohio. Born and raised. And proud! Well... sorta proud. haha Ohio isn't the best state by any means.

But regardless, it is my home.

When I moved to Texas, I was half expecting everyone to have thick country accents. Maybe meet a few people who owned a ranch or farm.

Well, there were a few people who had accents, but for the most part, they sounded pretty normal.

Still haven't met anyone with a ranch. ;)

But there are things that Texans say which I wasn't used to saying.

• y'all
• all y'all (because apparently y'all isn't plural enough already)
• fixin'
• soda
• "coke"
• ma'am
• sir

Now, I try so very hard to not let these words become a part of my vocabulary (except ma'am and sir because those are polite words, and to be honest, I like it when handsome men call me ma'am. hahahaha ;) )

I guess because I use the following: you guys, pop, and don't have a word for fixin'; this made me the outsider.

So while what seemed like all of Texas was using these foreign words, I was not (and still try very hard not to).

Therefore, I am the Un-Texan, Texan.

30 Day Blog Challenge

Well I decided I need something to do.

So for the next 30 days (well, off and on if I don't get a chance to write everyday) I will be doing the 30 day challenge!

I challenge you to do it with me. :)

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Day 1: Introduce, recent picture of yourself, 15 interesting facts

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At the moment I don't have a picture of me because I'm on my parents' computer. But I believe there's a picture of me off to the right somewhere.

Anywho, an introduction:

My name is Sadie, I'm 19 years old (but not for too much longer!), I'm a sophomore computer graphics student at UMHB. But you already knew that, didn't you. ;)

Facts:

1) I'm fighting a battle against Texan. Yes. It's true. "Soda" is starting to win me over. I must use "pop" more often!!!

2) My cousin and I are 4 months apart. We are crazy close, and crazy...crazy.

3) I try not to think too far into the future, because the future scares me.

4) I hate not knowing what's going to happen. It's one of my biggest struggles.

5) Sometimes I try too hard to make things right, and only make things worse.

6) I care way too much for my own good about making things right.

7) My anxiety is getting to the point where I think medication will be beneficial again.

8) I hate looking for jobs.

9) I haven't played my PS3 in months. :'(

10) I'm thinking about living on campus in an apartment next spring semester.

11) The fact that I didn't get accepted to Disney for an internship hurts more than getting dumped.

12) I would love to pet an elephant someday.

13) I LOVE the ocean. But I fear it also.

14) If I could make a good living with a linguistics degree, then that would be my major.

15) I don't want to live in Ohio, but I don't think Texas is in my future either.

Well there's day one!

See you next time for day 2.

Anxiety

There are things my anxiety affects that you may not even realize.

Silly things that most people don't even think about, but they run through my mind every day, all the time.

Though I would like to say that I am seeking help for my anxiety problems, and it is going as well as one could hope, but there's a long road ahead in order to literally change the way my mind thinks and works.

1) It is an extremely hard and thoroughly thought through process in order for me to ask you if you would like to do something / hang out with me.

• Why this is hard: The majority of my anxiety stems from the fear of rejection. Even if you're my best friend of 14 years, I will have some level of anxiety when asking you to hang out with me (granted it's not as high as it is with someone whom I've just met). I have such a high fear that you will say "no", that it causes my anxiety to rise. So my thought process about asking you to the movies may be similar to the following:
• I really want to go see a movie. Maybe I'll ask [Name]. They seem like they might enjoy seeing this movie, and I've known him/her for a while now. But.... what if they say no? They probably think I'm weird... I'm so quiet in class and can be awkward sometimes in social interactions with [Name]... no... I don't even think I want to ask him/her anymore. They'd say no anyway. Better to not even ask at all than to be hurt... oh well. I'll just see the movie when it's out on DVD. I don't need to see it in theaters anyways...
• Yeah. So my thought process is pretty much the same no matter what the given social situation is.

2) Talking with acquaintances is difficult for me because my brain goes through thousands of possibilities of how the conversation can go.

• I am constantly trying to think of how I'm going to respond to you, long before you have even said anything. In my mind, I need to be sure that what I am going to say will make sense, be appropriate, and that you won't think I'm strange for saying such a thing.
• I tend to make social situations awkward because I will let a thought sit in my head a while as a response, and then when my brain finally figures out the best possible way to speak what I'm thinking, my response is no longer appropriate to what you've just said, and I have just made things awkward.
• This happens all. the. time. !!! I hate myself for it. I realize that the people I'm talking to probably don't even notice it. But I do. And therefore, you must have noticed to, and now you probably think I'm strange and you probably don't wish to speak to me ever again.

3) Anticipating what will happen the next time I see you.

• I'm constantly thinking of ways to keep the people I am friends with, as my friends. If I have a class with you, I am most likely inventing scenarios in my head as to how our next encounter will play out. This causes HIGH anxiety/stress for me. Because most of the time my brain takes the worse case scenario and plays out from there.
• I hate when I do this. But I do it everyday, and I pretty much do this with everyone I know. Except for a few people whom I feel my most comfortable around.

Well this is all I can think of for now... anxiety affects me in so many ways. It's crazy! Oh. Maybe I should follow my counselor's word of advice to refer to it as "quirky" instead of "crazy".

As "crazy" has a negative connotation to its meaning.