Day 3

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Day 3: Your first love

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Wow really? What was I thinking when I chose to do this challenge. haha

Well I suppose I don't have to write about it, but I will.

It S-U-C-K-E-D. Looking back (because hindsight my friends, truly is 20/20), it really wasn't a good relationship, nor was it healthy.

I had a gut instinct 2 weeks after calling it official that we wouldn't work. And I told him this. I was ready to call it quitsies and move on before either of us could be hurt.

But [we'll call him Fred] Fred said he thought we should see how it went, and take things as they come.

Mistake number one.

I thought that maybe this guy wouldn't be so bad. Afterall, I'd never even had a boyfriend before, so who was I to know how relationships worked.

Well it ended up being a long distance relationship due to school.

He was always the one to come back, meaning I only saw him roughly twice a month.

I don't know why, but he never seemed keen on the idea of me driving out to visit him.

Perhaps he was cheating?

I still don't know the answer to that one.

Or maybe he was embarrassed to call me his "girlfriend" since I am a little dorky, and I know that by no means am I the prettiest girl in town.

He never seemed to actually want to take me out either.

We always ended up watching movies at my place after midnight.

Like we were secret lovers or something.

Slowly he began to want less and less to do with me. Though love blinds, so I made excuses for it.

He stopped talking to me on the phone (his excuse? Because he hated talking to me because he missed me so much. Please. Excuse me while I BARF).

He started to make excuses to not hang out with me when he was home on weekends. He was "tired" or he needed to "study". WTF. Why even come home? Stay at school to study.

When I would invite him to do things with me he'd make up excuses.

And I fed into all of it.

I hate myself for that.

And I think that right now, that's what hurts the most.

That I was SO. STUPID. to fall for that crap.

Then, one weekend before Thanksgiving, (I believe he only came back that week because I was the one that spent the money on preordered Harry Potter tickets) he asked me what I was doing that wednesday before break.

I told him that unfortunately I was on cleaning committee all day.

He told me to go out of my way for him and clean most of tuesday night so he could spend wednesday with me.

I said, "okay. Can't wait!"

Well wednesday rolls around, and I get all the excuses in the text book.

This PISSED. ME. OFF.

I went out of my way for Fred like he asked me too and he was gonna be an a$$ and blow me off!?

No. Not acceptable.

So I got pissy and short with him.

Understandable right?

Not to him.

He turned it around and made ME the bad guy.

Really?

And I fell into the lie.

Excuse me as I slap myself.

HELLO! Get out of that relationship!

And he began to do that more and more often.

Then when he came home for christmas break, that's when it truly got bad.

He made every damn possible excuse to not see me.

We saw each other a total of 6 times over a 30 day break.

Twice which he broke up with me.

I can't believe that the first time, I tried to win him back.

I am. STUPID.

I still pull excuses for him.

He's only 18.

He's immature.

He's had a rough life being a military child.

He's had terrible awful girlfriends in the past.

blah blah blah.

Enough is enough.

I'm done making excuses for an indecisive, immature, stupid little boy.

Someday I'd like to have an actual man in my life.

But now I still need time to heal from the lies that I had been fed for five months.

I've tried to be friends with Fred. But I'm coming to the end of my rope for waiting for someone that I KNOW will not come.

I try to find reasons why God put him into my life.

1) To teach me that maybe a relationship isn't what I want right now

2) To at least show me that I can attract guys

3) To show me how love is blind (because I always thought girls were stupid for staying in bad relationships)

I went through all of high school without ever having a relationship, so it scares me for how long God wants me to wait before falling for someone again.

But I think now that I know what a bad relationship is, maybe this will give me wisdom to find a good one.