I hate feeling stuck.
Not knowing where I'm going.
I like things to be definite and planned out.
Probably has to do with my anxiety, but I'm not sure.
It does make me anxious and gets me into a depression when I feel lost.
I feel lost.
I was so intent on going to Disney this fall.
That's what I felt I was called to do.
Disney was a big factor in deciding to attend UMHB.
So why am I here?
Not just at UMHB, but in Texas in general?
I don't feel like I belong in Ohio anymore, but I don't feel that I belong here either. :/
I'm just lost.
I really want to take summer classes and live on campus this summer, but I'm not sure if that will happen.
I feel like at least taking one class during the may minimester, but I probably will not live on campus.
I really want a job but I have a sinking feeling in my gut that I will end up working at someplace that I don't want to.
I hate the unsocial person that I am today.
I wish I had the guts to ask someone to do things with me, but I'm so afraid of rejection these days that I rarely ask anyone to do anything.
I always have an excuse ready and at hand to not hang out.
Obviously that's had it's effect on people because I don't get asked to do things with them, which ultimately is my fault.
And even though I know it's far from true, I feel like I'm the only person in the world who has gone through a very confusing break up.
I feel like the way things have been and are now were better suited for middle school days.
Not college days.
I wish that we both would grow up and properly sort things out like two adults and stop putting it off and ignoring one another.
Whether or not that leads us to being friends or saying our final goodbyes, I would just like a definite answer.
I hate feeling like I'm hanging in limbo; waiting as patiently as possible.
Not knowing is worse than knowing even the worst answer/outcome.
Because I really can't allow myself to think about things either way.
I can't rely on the possibility of him being my friend, but can't rely on the possibility that he totally hates my guts and thinks I'm a god-awful b*tch either.
Because the arguments for both scenarios equal each other out.
I know a friend that took her 3 years to fully recover from her break up (somewhat similar circumstances to my breakup).
I don't want that.
I saw what it did to her.
That can't be me, but I feel like I'm becoming that.
And I'm nearing the 3 month marker.
I enjoy being single and it's really not that I want him back because I've finally come to the conclusion that we were a good fling; yes.
But we each over stayed our welcome when I think we both knew in the back of our minds that it just wouldn't work out. And we falsely lead ourselves on to believe that we would work.
I don't miss the relationship aspect with him because I know I will feel that with someone else.
I do however miss our friendship.
It's extremely hard for me to connect with people right away because I'm usually a slow-to-warm-up type.
And it's hard for me to deal with the fact that 1) he's running by ignoring everything, and 2) he doesn't miss the friendship because I was the big-boobed chick that went out with him and he got what he wanted with me and moved on, 100% ready to chase another.
What makes me so sure I know this?
Because of what he told me about his previous relationships.
We humans are silly with our desire to love and be loved.
I think that's why God created both genders because He knew we were stupid enough to think that His love wasn't enough and that we needed something physical because in our human nature we can't solely rely on the spiritual.
And I really wish I could make up my mind about what to do this summer.
Take 2 classes and live in Belton while working, or take the 1 I know I can pay for from pocket and just live at home and work.
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