Super Highly Personal

I'm disclaiming now because the following might be hard to read.

A family member of mine is going through some extremely tough times and it's especially hard for me because I've been where they are right now.

Depression is something that runs in my family so we aren't surprised by it when it turns up. It's a difficult thing to understand because so many people have difficulties understanding why a person cannot simply snap out of it.

Depression is not something you bounce back from and "get over".

I know.

I have been there.

This family member of mine and I differ slightly in how our depression manifests.

My family member wears their heart on their sleeve. It's very easy to tell what emotion they are feeling.

Where as I wear a mask.

Every day.

I can hide what I'm feeling and no one would ever know.

I'm good at it, which isn't something to be proud of, believe me.

Seeing my young family member experience what I have experienced and still do experience is a very very rough thing to go through.

I have attempted suicide.

And I know exactly what was running through my mind as I sat, home alone in my bathtub thinking how nice it would be to just use that razor to cut through the small veins in my wrist. How easy that would be.

But what stopped me was the thought of the mess I'd leave behind.

I hadn't cleaned my room, there were bills to be paid, I hadn't said any goodbyes.

That's what stopped me.

Not the fear of death, but the mess my death would leave behind for my loved ones.

So I didn't go through with it.

My family member is going through this now. And we caught it before it got that far.

It's just incredibly hard knowing that they might one day reach that fork in the road; execute, or stop and step back. I can't say for sure which road they would take.

Depression doesn't go away, just becomes less of a factor.

But it's there. Possibly forever.

I don't want the thoughts that cross my mind on a daily basis to ever be the "norm" for my family member.

I don't ever want this family member to develop the mask that I have created for myself.

Because it's scary.

It is scary to sit in your car by yourself and cry for three or four hours, then put the mask back on and go make jokes and be "normal" for everyone else's sake.

I am at a loss and I feel like I can't do or say anything to my family member in order for them to know that I've been there. I know what it's like. And it isn't easy to get out.