Anxiety

There are things my anxiety affects that you may not even realize.

Silly things that most people don't even think about, but they run through my mind every day, all the time.

Though I would like to say that I am seeking help for my anxiety problems, and it is going as well as one could hope, but there's a long road ahead in order to literally change the way my mind thinks and works.

1) It is an extremely hard and thoroughly thought through process in order for me to ask you if you would like to do something / hang out with me.

• Why this is hard: The majority of my anxiety stems from the fear of rejection. Even if you're my best friend of 14 years, I will have some level of anxiety when asking you to hang out with me (granted it's not as high as it is with someone whom I've just met). I have such a high fear that you will say "no", that it causes my anxiety to rise. So my thought process about asking you to the movies may be similar to the following:
• I really want to go see a movie. Maybe I'll ask [Name]. They seem like they might enjoy seeing this movie, and I've known him/her for a while now. But.... what if they say no? They probably think I'm weird... I'm so quiet in class and can be awkward sometimes in social interactions with [Name]... no... I don't even think I want to ask him/her anymore. They'd say no anyway. Better to not even ask at all than to be hurt... oh well. I'll just see the movie when it's out on DVD. I don't need to see it in theaters anyways...
• Yeah. So my thought process is pretty much the same no matter what the given social situation is.

2) Talking with acquaintances is difficult for me because my brain goes through thousands of possibilities of how the conversation can go.

• I am constantly trying to think of how I'm going to respond to you, long before you have even said anything. In my mind, I need to be sure that what I am going to say will make sense, be appropriate, and that you won't think I'm strange for saying such a thing.
• I tend to make social situations awkward because I will let a thought sit in my head a while as a response, and then when my brain finally figures out the best possible way to speak what I'm thinking, my response is no longer appropriate to what you've just said, and I have just made things awkward.
• This happens all. the. time. !!! I hate myself for it. I realize that the people I'm talking to probably don't even notice it. But I do. And therefore, you must have noticed to, and now you probably think I'm strange and you probably don't wish to speak to me ever again.

3) Anticipating what will happen the next time I see you.

• I'm constantly thinking of ways to keep the people I am friends with, as my friends. If I have a class with you, I am most likely inventing scenarios in my head as to how our next encounter will play out. This causes HIGH anxiety/stress for me. Because most of the time my brain takes the worse case scenario and plays out from there.
• I hate when I do this. But I do it everyday, and I pretty much do this with everyone I know. Except for a few people whom I feel my most comfortable around.

Well this is all I can think of for now... anxiety affects me in so many ways. It's crazy! Oh. Maybe I should follow my counselor's word of advice to refer to it as "quirky" instead of "crazy".

As "crazy" has a negative connotation to its meaning.